Friendship features among the most precious things in life. It is a string that twines around our heart, sobering us when heartbroken, raising us as we celebrate, and grounding us during uncertainty. Being a truly present and supportive friend can seem like a struggle in a world full of distractions like buzzing notifications and the need for productivity. Imagine if there were a simple tip, one practical change in your approach that could transform everything, how immensely you would appreciate the people in your life.
As astonishing as it may sound, such a thing exists. The trick is: Listening without the intent to respond.
While this might come across as too simple or self-explanatory, putting it into practice consistently brings transformative effects. Most of us believe we are great listeners, but in reality, too many of us spend our conversations silently rehearsing the next thing we intend to contribute. Only to jump in later on with unsolicited advice, relatable anecdotes, or even worse, an abominably off-topic distraction while the other person likely only wanted to feel heard.
Now, the trick is learning how to listen deeply, not to fix something, or relate to the experience, or even agree to it, but simply try to comprehend.
Let’s analyze how this single small change can foster your friendships while making you a more reliable, trustworthy, and intentional friend.
The Myth of Multitasking in Conversations
Picture this: while your friend talks about their problems, you already start planning how you are going to respond, whether it be advice, an anecdote, or a motivational quote. Despite your good intentions, your inner dialogue has already disrupted full presence. Now, you are half-listening.
For many people, conversations are often viewed as tennis games: serve, return, volley. While true connection occurs when we lower our proverbial rackets and take in what is being said, there is a possibility. Not every response we give, no matter how instinctual, needs to happen in such a hurry. They need to happen in a more relaxed moment. When we are emotionally available in a moment.
Trust is built when we stop trying to fight for turns to speak and show respect, and allow the other person to speak to their full potential. While their guards are up, trust is built over time and creates unparalleled trust.
While an individual is talking, the moments in which a person stays quiet are the moments in which the most trusting words will be made. Trust is built with every individual by allowing the speaker to lead, which fosters a safe platform that enables limitless trust to be built over time.
Why This Trick Works: Psychology Behind It
Whether it is in moments where quietness is respected and responding is not an option, this is where engagement of active empathy occurs. Neuroscience reveals that when someone feels appreciated, their brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which decreases stress and promotes a sense of closeness. In contrast, feeling overheard or talked over, even if they mean well, triggers the stress response in the brain.
This goes to show that being a good listener is much more than a show of courtesy; it strengthens the bonds in friendships on a biological level.
Signs You’re Not Truly Listening
Even the most caring people fall into bad listening habits. Here are a few warning signs that you are listening to respond, instead of understanding:
– You interrupt or finish sentences.
– You are contemplating what you will say next during their turn.
– You share your relatable example before it’s complete.
– You present solutions without waiting for a problem to be posed.
– You check out mentally or look at your phone mid-conversation.
While these may seem minor, repeatedly indulging in them can seriously erode the bond between two people. Fortunately, these are all easy to address and improve with intention and practice.
How to Practice the Trick
To help implement this deceptively simple tip, consider the following recommendations:
Refrain from Responding Immediately
When it comes to discussion, resist the urge to provide an answer right away—for example, when your friend is done speaking. The pause will guide you towards the reason why their thoughts need to be processed. Remember that showing them that you are not in haste to provide your thoughts enriches the discourse.
Inquire Open-Ended Questions
Rather than providing suggestions or opinions, probe deeper using questions such as:
“What was the reaction?”
“Tell me what took place after that.”
“Is there something you would like from me?”
Use Reflective Statements
Reflect what you have heard by saying, “So it was overwhelming on your end,” or “It has been challenging lately, so you’re saying that….” This ensures that someone is following.
Assigning Judgment and Comparison
Avoid minimizing their sentiment by using your own experiences to illustrate a point. All experiences count, regardless of their worth. Your objective is simply to acknowledge their experiences instead of competing in the ‘sadness Olympics’.
Phone Usage
Keeping the device out of sight is a critical step. Giving your friend undivided attention while putting a phone away can be done.
Excessive Use of Phones
If you do take this approach, friends begin to open up. Conversations are more profound and meaningful. You will be entrusted with a lot more personal and vulnerable details. People tend to be drawn to those who offer comfort and help them feel safe.
Due to this, a supportive network is built. Friends trust you more after feeling supported. If you require help, trust will be provided. Instead of being casual friends, you will be confidant instead.
Uses Of This Trick About Digital Communication
Unlike face-to-face conversation, which requires no explanation, social encounters such as texting, social media posts, and voice notes operate on the same logic. Examine a friend’s lengthy message and try to read it rather than skimming through. Offer an empathetic reply, not an emoji-filled one. If a friend sends a voice note to you, make sure that you listen to the entire message before you respond. These minor actions, however tiny they might seem, matter a great deal when it comes to showing presence and respect.
In Many Cases, Friendship Means Not Being A Fix-It Job
In many instances, people tend to think that being a good friend requires fixing their friend’s issues. The truth is, in most cases, people don’t want a resolution. They want empathy. They want someone who listens, and by not jumping in to fix everything, you are providing them the chance to experience their reality without the rescuing filter that bluntly saves them.
Taking a step back and allowing a person to vent, reflect, and/or cry without stepping at the front to shape the outcome is often the most beneficial thing one can offer.
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Simple, Not Easy
Not responding to a friend while they are talking and offering an ear to listen is something that can be challenging to master. While all meaningful things take time, this specific manner takes a while to master. In the world where rushing and hooting is the order of the day, choosing to stop, sit down, and listen is a bold statement of love.
Hence, when the next occasion arises and a friend brings to you a problem, story, or even a peculiar thought, keep this in mind: it’s not your responsibility to have all the answers. You don’t have to say anything either. What counts in situations like these is giving them your presence. Being fully present means being there with wide-open ears and a heart that is quietly engaged.
